HOW TO RECOGNISE AND HANDLE UNWANTED SEXUAL ADVANCES

It is Summer! That time of the year when Sade’s parents have to travel for a private vacation and leave her in the trusted care of her aunt, who she fondly calls Mummy Lokoja. Besides the weekly trips to the Amusement Parks and numerous sponsored trips to the mall, Mummy Lokoja’s house is a safe haven and her culinary skills are great! But for Mark and Mike, Mummy Lokoja’s twin teenage sons, it was the perfect time of Sade’s year.

Sade used to love spending time with her cousins but now the thought of going back there this Summer was causing her sleepless nights. How would she explain to her parents that throughout the last holiday, Mark and Mike were constantly making jest of her growing breasts and teased her continuously about her widening hips. Would Mummy Lokoja believe her if she told her that Mike once touched her inappropriately on the pretext of helping her tie her shoe laces or how Mark once dragged her into the dark with him and forcefully kissed her?
Now, the thought of spending her two months-long holiday in that same house makes Sade sick.

Are you currently in a similar situation to Sade’s? Then, this is for you! You probably are not being teased or taunted by your own cousins but you are getting snide comments from your teacher about your body or maybe a random guy on the street keeps whistling to you whenever you go out to buy something on the street. These are sexual advances and sexual abuse is imminent if those advances are not properly managed.

You do not owe anyone information about your sexuality. If someone consistently asks about your sexuality, report them immediately.

How do you recognize sexual advances?

You are growing into a beautiful lady and you might start attracting sexual attention from predators who lack the simple common sense required to treat you as their daughters and sisters. Some of them, I daresay, are despicable because you hear of babies and 4 year-olds being raped by men. It is impossible to understand what would make any right thinking person do something as wicked and dehumanising as rape. Hence, it is important for you to be able to recognize sexual advances and ward them off immediately.

If someone makes repeated comments about your body, report the person immediately, no matter who it is.

You can detect sexual predation advances if you notice any of the following

• Excessive sudden attention from the opposite sex.
• Unwanted deliberate touching, leaning over, cornering, or pinching.
• Unwanted sexual looks or gestures (staring, winking, licking lips, whistling, cat calls, inappropriate touch)
• Turning class or work discussions to sexual topics.
• Unwanted pressure for sexual favors.
• Unwanted letters, telephone calls, or materials of a sexual nature.
• Excessive desire to be alone with you in lonely places.
• Unwanted sexual teasing and jokes. Making remarks about parts of your body
• Turning work discussions to sexual topics.
• If they always make use of sexual innuendos or tell sexual stories.
• If they ask you about sexual fantasies, preferences, or history. It is not their business. You do not owe anyone information about your sexuality. If someone consistently asks about your sexuality, report them immediately.
• If they ask you personal questions about your social or sexual life.
• Kissing sounds, howling, and smacking lips.
• Hugging, kissing, patting, or stroking.
• Touching or rubbing oneself sexually around another person.
• If they always standing close or brushing up against you, watch out!
• If they look at you up and down (elevator eyes).
• If they always make sexual gestures with hands or through body movements.
• Attempted rape

If anyone male or female, no matter who they are consistently does any of the above listed to you or anyone around you, you should report them no matter who they are!

You might need to change your circle of friends if they encourage to do stupid things like teasing ladies and making sexual jokes.

If you are guilty of doing any of the above to persons of the opposite sex, you should stop it immediately as it can constitute sexual harassment. As a male, do not make a classmate’s body the object of sexual jest. It is sexual harrassment! Showing respect for the personal space and possession of others helps them to be comfortable around you. You might need to change your circle of friends if they encourage to do stupid things like teasing ladies and making sexual jokes.

How do you handle sexual attention and advances?

Don’t be quiet!

Sexual predation thrives in secrecy. If someone does of any of the things listed above to you, report them immediately. If you do not, they become emboldened to abuse you sexually. Tell your siblings, tell your parents, speak to counsellor in your school. Don’t be silent. They will listen and help you. “Will they believe me?” You may be wondering. Yes! They should believe you and even if some persons you report to don’t believe you, the fact that you reported has made the potential predator less powerful. This is because your parents or guardians will become more alert when the said person is around you and they may even set an ambush to confirm your story. So, report immediately as being quiet only boldens the potential predator and compounds the problem.

Learn Self-Defense

Not all sexual predators pre-meditate their actions. What if you suddenly find yourself in a near-rape situation far from the protective reach of your siblings or parents? So you should learn to defend yourself! Tell your parents to enrol you in a Taekwando or boxing classes. You never know when you will need to show them who is the boss!

It is not your fault if someone is making sexual advances at you. It is their fault. Don’t blame yourself, blame the person’s inability to control their sexual appetite and desires.

Want to talk? Send a mail to pelumi@tgfgnetwork.org. I will be glad to help you!